A collection of humerous, unheard tales
by DarkPhoenixForce
Summary: Several short stories on my random thoughts throughout the x-men movies.
1. Chapter 1: Three's a Crowd

And now it's time for a series of random humor stories about the Phoenix and others. Check out The Dark Side of the Force: Phoenix Style, my ever so slightly more serious fic. / Star Wars Kotor crossover.

1: Three's a crowd.

Scott: "Jean? You're alive, but how?" Scott exclaimed.

Jean: "I don't know, but I'm here." she answered. He embraced her.

Phoenix: Um….

Phoenix: "Let me see your eyes." She reached for his glasses. "Take these off."

Scott: He grabbed her hand. "No, I can't."

Phoenix: "It's ok, I can control it now. (There's your first warning that something's wrong.) She lifted his glasses off his face, but he kept his eyes tightly closed. "Open your eyes; you won't hurt me." Hesitantly, he did. They kiss.

Phoenix: This is awkward. (Starts humming Jeopardy)

Jean: You have no idea. I mean, you're kissing Scott! _You're_ kissing him!

Phoenix: No I'm not. You're in control right now. And you're probably going to tell him to run, aren't you?  
Jean: Mayybe. What are you planning? Don't…!

Phoenix: Sorry, like I've always told you, three's a crowd. So I'm going to get rid of one. Die pretty boy, die!

Scott is disintegrated.

Phoenix: Mwahahahahahahahahah!

Jean (sighing): I hate you.

Phoenix cheerfully: I know.


	2. Chapter2:How do you know they're there?

2. How do you know that they're still there?

My thanks to a friend for inspiring part of this by pointing something out.

The holographic images of Liberty and Ellis Islands gave the x-men a model with which to plan their mission. "Alright," Scott said, "Magneto has Rouge captive here. We can't let him use that

machine or everyone there will die like the senator." He paused dramatically. "We need to get to him first." Storm spoke, "Any ideas on how we can do that?" "If we take the jet, we should

get there in time, and…" "How do you know that they're still there?" Jean interrupted. Everyone slowly looked up at her. "What do you mean?" Cyclops asked. She shrugged. "While we've

been spending all this time on a plan, maybe they went ahead and carried _theirs_ out." No one answered for a moment as they pondered this new development. "You know…that's possible."

their leader replied. Silence reigned momentarily. "Well, thank goodness for unending villain monologues!" Storm exclaimed.


	3. Chapter 3:So Striker's plan worked?

3. Striker's plan…worked?

Jean: "But why Scott? Why did you kill him?"

Phoenix: "Hmm, well you did almost die because of him once."

Jean: "That wasn't his fault. He was under Striker's control."

Phoenix: Sadly, you just _happened_ to run into him then. Pity, we could have ended this a lot earlier."

(Logan attempts to withstand the telekinetic wave threatening to rip his flesh from his bones.)

Phoenix: "What does Logan want?"

Jean: "Forget that. What do you mean I "_happened_" to run into him while he was being controlled?"  
Phoenix: "Don't you think that's a little convenient?"

Jean: "Scott would never purposely try to hurt me."

Phoenix: "Oh, I know that. But Striker would love to kill the activist for mutant rights."

Jean: "What! Do you actually believe that?"

Phoenix: "It's possible. And now that Scott is dead…well someone has to kill you."

(Logan stabs Jean with his adamantium claws.)

Jean: "So Striker's plan…worked?"

Phoenix: "Told you, but no, you didn't listen to _me_."


	4. Chapter 4: Is that?

4. Is that…?

The Grey's car wound its way through traffic on the bridge as its occupants sighed at the

crowded area. "Hey mom," Mrs. Grey's eldest daughter spoke. "I haven't heard from Jean in a

while. How is she?" "I don't know. She hasn't exactly kept in touch." "That's weird. You don't

think something happened to her, do you?" The older woman turned around to look at her, as

her husband continued to drive. "I'm sure we would have been informed if something was

wrong." "I suppose so, but…" she trailed off as she caught sight of something in the mirror.

They, and everyone else, stopped to look back. A crowd of people were making their way

quickly across the suspension bridge. At their head was a man wearing a strange helmet. Close

beside him was a red haired woman. They passed the family, and the woman glanced at them.

The eldest daughter asked, "Is that…?" the next second everyone was thrown to the side as the

lead mutant caused one end of the massive bridge to break off and move slowly through the

air. "Well mom, I think they forgot to tell us something."


	5. Chapter 5:Rogue's Revelation

5. Rogue's Revelation

This actually came from a comment my friend made.

The x-men argued with Magneto as Rogue sat staring in the fire. Sounds of animals echoed in

the forest around them. A blue-skinned woman, Mystique, paced back and forth. After a while

of this the girl spoke, "Could ya stop that, it's kind of annoying." Mystique glanced at her and

ceased walking. "Thanks." Rogue added. There was silence for a moment then, "Ya know, ya

look kind of familiar. Have I seen ya somewhere before?" "It's possible." A minute passed. "No,

Ah'm serious. Ah I know Ah have." The woman looked uneasy. "You're probably mistaken. Even

if you had seen me, you wouldn't know it was me. She morphed into several people including

Rogue's mother. "Wait, stop." She paused. "How do ya know what mah mom looks like."

Mystique sighed, "Did your parents ever tell you that you were adopted?" "What! That's not…"

"It's true. They were just raising you for your adopted mother." "No…""_I_ am your mother."

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "Yeah, it's true." Rogue

glared at her. "Give me mah moment, would ya?" "No."


	6. Chapter 6: Did you see that?

Chapter 6: Did you see that?

A friend inspired part of this story and another story.

Wolverine: "We can fix it."

Phoenix: "I don't want to fix it!"(Logan is slammed into a wall. Jean stands up and rips the door off the wall as she walks out.)

Several of the students were enjoying their day off by wandering aimlessly about the hallways. Young Bobby pranced happily through through the corridors chatting to his beloved Rogue. Rogue on the other hand, was thinking about the handsome red-eyed mutant she had seen earlier that week. A thud sounded and the two teens jumped back as the wooden door in front of them shattered into thousands of fragments. Out strode none other than the recently "deceased" Dr. Jean Grey. That would be the first clue that something went horribly wrong. The next hint they should have noticed was the fact that her eyes were completely black( gee, kinda like a bird, huh,). "Hey," bobby cried, "it's Dr. Grey! She's alive!" "But you're not," the woman said disentegrating him. "Wow, thanks!" Rogue exclaimed. "That saves me the d\troble of breakin' up with him." Then she went happily to look for Gambit. Phoenix smiled about having had a chance to make the world a better place. The other students stared in horror as she strode out the door. Jubillee spoke, "Did you see that?" "Nope," her friend said. "Me neither." Oh, the Professor _sensed_ something was...amis.


	7. Chapter 7: Misplaced Relatives

Chapter 7: Misplaced Relatives

Ms. Grey, a.k.a. Jean's older sister, pulled herself up out of the water where she had been dumped when the bridge was destroyed by raised

her head and saw the horror that awaited. Several hundred troops had been deployed against the mutant armies, and they seemed to be doing poorly.

Unfortunaly, she didn't know this. Sigh, this should be fun. She began walking toward any sign of civilization, totally unaware of the terrible sight she would

shortly come upon. All she could think of was the eerie appearance of her little sister. Suddenly, she learned of the situation in the form of a random piece of

metal almost taking her head off. Thankfully, she ducked. People were running, screaming, for their lives and quickly turning to dust. The man with the wierd

helmet ran past her. Turning to face the source of the hysteria, she saw...her sister! Jean was standing in the midst of a telekinetic whirlwind as a lone

figure struggled to reach her. The man's flesh was being ripped off his body, but, it healed fairly quickly. Ms. Grey sprinted towards a white haired

woman watching the scene unfold. "Hey," she called. The woman looked up. "Who are you!" "Jean's sister." There was a moment of silence. "Uh oh," the

stranger replied. "What do you..." she stopped as the man stabbed her sister. The invisible force disentegrating them all vanished. "Did he just...kill my little

sister?" "Um..." "That's it! He's dead!" "No! Wait!" The unamed crazy person strode angrily to where the man was cradling her sister's body. And now, the

manifestation of _her_ mutant powers. Namely, the ability to control electricity. Poor Wolverine looked up from Jean's still form to see...Jean? No, it was just

someone who resembled Jean."Hey!" "What are you doing, you're ruining the poorly scripted, overly dramatic death scene. "I don't care!" "But she's been

waiting three movies for..." Logan didn't get a chance to finish as he was electrocuted by an angry, avenging sister. Storm caught up with her and hurriedly

explained what was going on. "Oops, sorry." "Yeah right," her victim growled.


	8. Chapter 8: A New Threat

Chapter 8: A New Threat

Professor Charles Xavier sat reading in his study. Everything was unusually quiet. Suddenly, he sensed someone or something penetrate the psychic defenses in his mind. "Hello?" he thought. "Hello Professor," a voice said. "Jean?" he asked. He had a vision of a red-haired girl with glowing eyes. "Jean?" the voice hissed scornfully. "No, I am Phoenix!" "Um…right. Care to explain?" Phoenix sighed. "When you sealed away the majority of Jean's powers because they were unstable, they manifested in an alternate personality, me." "That's…not good." "No, it's not. And now I've come back for revenge!" "Could you be more specific?" "Sure. I plan on haunting your every waking moment and finding as many ways as possible to drive you crazy." "Hmm. Somehow that doesn't scare me." The girl smirked. "It should. I already give Magneto nightmares. As Jean puts it, I'm "the annoying little voiced in your head that won't shut-up." "Jean knows about this? Since when?" "Oh, about last Thursday. See, she was talking to Summers when I got bored and decided to let her know I was there. You should have seen the look on his face when she started arguing with herself out loud."

"Charles?" Storm asked. He looked at Logan. "You have no idea...no idea what is upon us."


	9. Chapter 9: That's my outfit!

Chapter 9: That's _my_ outfit!

Wanda Maximoff often felt…underappreciated. No one bothered to put her in the movies. Oh sure, they put_ Phoenix_ in the movies, but not the Scarlet Witch! She sighed as she stood calmly amidst the chaos and screams of the battle on Alcatraz. "What is everyone running from, anyway?" she muttered. Then she saw why the people around her were suddenly being turned to dust. It was because of a red-haired woman who…oh, no." Wanda gritted her teeth. "It was one thing to exclude her from the trilogy; it was quite another to steal her outfit. That red trench coat is my trademark, she thought angrily. Now they were making Phoenix look like her! "What is this," she shouted at the sky, "some pathetic attempt to make up for never introducing my character?" "Don't blame me; I didn't design the costumes," a random voice answered. Wanda glanced around for the source, then shrugged and headed toward the destruction. She grinned evilly as an idea came to her. Wolverine was attempting to reach Jean but would soon be ripped to pieces. Even _his_ healing ability couldn't withstand that. So the Scarlet Witch was going to even the _odds_ a little. Phoenix frowned, why wasn't he disintegrating? Then she noticed Wanda standing off to the side, waving at her happily. Stupid probability-altering witch, she thought as Logan stabbed her.


	10. Chapter 10: Scott's Return

Chapter 10: Scott's return

Flashback!

Die pretty boy, die! Phoenix said laughing maniacally as Scott fell to the ground. Jean regained control and gazed at him in horror. "No!" she passes out.

"Logan!" Storm screamed. Wolverine sprinted toward the sound of her voice to see her kneeling down next to the body of Jean Grey. "She's alive," Storm said in wonder. "Jean?" he asked (as if she was really going to say anything).

"Where am I?" Jean asked. "You're in the mansion." She looked confused. "Jean, what happened to Scott?" She stared off dramatically as flashes of memory come to mind. "Jean?" She looked up at him in horror(wow, these people do that a lot). "Kill me," she whispered. "What?" "Kill me before I kill anyone else," she said beginning to cry. Everything started flying around the room. "Jean, focus," Logan said. "We can fix it." She looked up, her eyes a solid black color. "I don't want to fix it!" she hissed throwing him into a wall. She stood up and left after ripping the door from the wall using her telekinesis. Storm walked into the room to find Wolverine holding his head. "Oh, hello, Logan." "Hey!" a random voice from the sky shouted, "that's not your line!" "Well then, what is my line?" "_I_ don't know, just not that." "I think she killed Scott," Logan piped up. "What?! That's impossible," Storm replied. "You have no idea. You have no idea what is upon us now…but _I _do," Xavier said. "Really?" they asked in unison. "What?" "We're all going to die." "Alright…sounds like fun," Storm responded.

Several deaths later:

"You would die for them?" Phoenix hissed scornfully. "No, not for _them_," he answered.

"Thanks for the support, Logan," Storm called.

"For _you_," he finished. Jean temporarily regains control. "Save me," she whispers. "I love you," he added.

"Oh…finish it, already!" Storm shouted.

Logan extendedhis adamantium claws to stab Jean, when, out of the blue, Scott appeared.

"Scott?" all three of them exclaimed.

Phoenix muttered to Jean, "I thought he was dead."

"No, no," she replied, "he was only _mostly_ dead." Scott suddenly turned to dust.  
"There," Phoenix said happily, "Now he's _all_ dead."

Logan stabbed her.


	11. Chapter 11: Mixedup Mythology

Chapter 11: The Dangers of Not Having a Proper Knowledge of Mythology

Pyro walked silently through the camp. As he strode down the path, he suddenly came face-to-face with the Dark Phoenix. "Uh…please don't tear me to shreds!" he cried, falling to his knees, clasped hands held out in front of him.

She stared at him for a moment, "What?"

He raised his head, "Please, I'm no good at riddles!" A minute passed before Phoenix spoke, "Pyro, you don't know very much about mythology, do you?" "Well, I kind of dropped out before we had that lesson. But I do remember reading about…"

"Wait," she interrupted," _you_ can read?" "Yes!" he said defensively. "And I remember reading about the Phoenix, who stands at the crossroads, asks travelers riddles before they can pass, and rips them to pieces if they get the answer wrong."

Another minute or two passed. "That's a Sphinx, Pyro," Phoenix corrected in annoyance.

"Oh," he replied cheerfully, "well, I've seen you disintegrate people. Same thing, I thought. Besides, you mythological monsters are so alike anyway. Blah, blah, blah, you made me mad. I'm going to kill you now, blah, blah, blah. It's so cliché."

"Pyro," Phoenix said. "Yeah?"

"I'm going to kill you now."

He laughed, "See what I mean? Exactly like…oh."

His face fell and he gulped.

"Bye now," Phoenix smirked as he turned to dust. She brushed off her hands and continued down the trail, in a much better mood now.


	12. Chapter 12: The Real Problem

Chapter 12: The Real Problem

Magneto cowered behind a tree as Phoenix strode through the clearing, disintegrating random plants, animals, and people she happened to see.

Storm glared at Wolverine. "You don't get it, do you?" she asked angrily. "There was another reason why the Professor needed to make sure that Jean didn't wake up until he reestablished the psychic barriers in her mind. They were intended to deal with two…things."

"What do you mean?" he asked.

She gulped, "Logan, she hasn't taken her ADD meds in at least a month since she was kind of trapped at the bottom of a lake."


End file.
